I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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