Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
