There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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