after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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