I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
