3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
