god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
