Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
