i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
