He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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