Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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