The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
