Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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