I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
