i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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