I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
