I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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