Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
