Just fell off a train. Bad.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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