WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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