That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
