I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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