i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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