i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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