Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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