A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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