I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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