Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
