I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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