Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was not drunk enough for that final.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
