If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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