you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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