ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
