How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't deserve a penis
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
