I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
