i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
