I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
