i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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