Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
