i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
