cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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