and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
