I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
