I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I came so hard my ears popped.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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