She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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