Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
