I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
