So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
