My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
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