if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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