Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
