I feel like abortions should bother me more
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
