Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
